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Dyke Astrology

Aries:

A few months after America invaded Iraq in 2003, soldier Brian Wheeler wrote the following to help us imagine what it was like over there: "Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find. Go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them, and in the loudest voice possible yell that every Crip and Blood within hearing distance is a PANSY." As a character-building exercise, Aries, I highly recommend you try something like this yourself. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. What I just said is *not* an accurate reading of the astrological omens. But this is: Get out of your comfort zone, yes, but with a smart gamble, not a crazy risk.

Taurus:

According to a recent poll, God's approval rating has dipped below 40 percent for the first time on record. My research suggests the new low is due in part to a disproportionate amount of dissatisfaction by those born under the sign of Taurus. Can you fix this please? If you're one of the discontent, please see if you can talk yourself into restoring some of your faith in the Divine Wow. APRIL FOOL! The real truth is, I encourage you to be skeptical in regards to all authorities, experts, and topdogs, including God. It's an excellent time in your cycle to go rogue, to scream "I defy you, stars!" Be a rabble-rousing, boat-rocking doubter.

Gemini:

Photographer Darrin Harris Frisby doesn't think people should smile in photographs. He regards it as "superficial and misleading." In the greatest portraits ever painted, he says, the subject's gaze is almost always neutral, "neither inviting nor forbidding." Did Rembrandt ever show people grinning from ear to ear? No. Did Vermeer, Goya, Titian, Sargent, or Velasquez? Nope. Make that your guiding thought in the coming week, Gemini. Be a connoisseur of the poker face. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, in the coming week you will have more than ample reasons to be of good cheer. You should therefore express delight extravagantly.

Cancer:

Back in 1835, a newspaper known as *The New York Sun* resorted to an extreme measure in order to boost readership: It ran a story about how the renowned astronomer Sir John Herschel had perfected a telescope that allowed him to see life forms on the moon, including unicorns, two-legged beavers that had harnessed fire, and sexually liberated "manbats." If I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, Cancerian, you temporarily have license to try something almost equally as wild and experimental to "boost your readership." APRIL FOOL! I lied about the unicorns. Don't refer to cliched chimeras like them. But it's fine to invoke more unexpected curiosities like fire-using beavers and sexually liberated manbats.

Leo:

In his documentary film *Prohibition,* Ken Burnsreports on the extreme popularity of alcohol in 19th-century America. He says that the typical person over 15 years of age drank 88 bottles of whiskey a year. In light of the current astrological omens, Leo, I suggest you increase your intake to that level and even beyond. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's not literal alcoholic spirits you should be ingesting in more abundance, but rather big ideas that open your mind, inspirational sights and sounds that dissolve your inhibitions, and intriguing people who expand your worldview.

Virgo:

A woman in Euclid, Ohio claims her house is haunted by randy ghosts. "They have sex in my living room," Dianne Carlisle told a TV news reporter. "You can see the lady's high-heeled shoes." I suspect you may soon be dealing with a similar problem, Virgo. So consider the possibility of hiring an X-rated exorcist. APRIL FOOL! The naked truth is that you will not be visited by spooks of any kind, let alone horny ones. However, you would be smart to purify and neutralize old karma that might still be haunting your love life or your sex life. Consider performing a do-it-yourself exorcism of your own memories.

Libra:

In Karley Sciortino's NSFW blog Slutever.com, she announces that "this blog is intended to trick strangers into thinking my life is more exciting than it actually is." I highly recommend you adopt that approach, Libra. Do whatever it takes -- lying, deceiving, exaggerating, bragging -- to fool everyone into believing that you are a fascinating character who is in the midst of marvelous, high-drama adventures. APRIL FOOL! I wasn't totally sincere about what I just said. The truth is, your life is likely to be a rousing adventure in the coming days. There'll be no need to pretend it is, and therefore no need to cajole or trick others into thinking it is.

Scorpio:

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem," said author William Gibson, "first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a--holes." This is a good time to check in with yourself, Scorpio, and see if Gibson's advice applies to you. Lately, the jackass quotient seems to have been rising in your vicinity. APRIL FOOL! I was half-joking. It's true that you should focus aggressively on reducing the influence of jerks in your life. At the same time, you should also ask yourself rather pointedly how you could reduce your problems by changing something about yourself.

Sagittarius:

Do not under any circumstances put on a frog costume, go to a shopping mall, and ride around on a unicycle while reciting erotic poetry in German through a megaphone. APRIL FOOL! I lied. That wouldn't be such a terrible use of your time. The astrological omens suggest that you will be visited by rather unusual creative surges that may border on being wacky. Personally, though, I would prefer it if you channeled your effervescent fertility in more highly constructive directions, like dreaming up new approaches to love that will have a very practical impact on your romantic life.

Capricorn:

In F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel *The Great Gatsby,* Daisy Buchanan is stirred to the point of rapture by Jay Gatsby's silk shirts. "I've never seen such beautiful shirts before," she sobs, burying her face in one as she sits in his bedroom. I sincerely hope you will have an equivalent brush with this kind of resplendence sometime soon, Capricorn. For the sake of your mental and even physical health, you need direct contact with the sublime. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. It's true that you would profoundly benefit from a brush with resplendence. But I can assure you that plain old material objects, no matter how lush and expensive, won't do the trick for you.

Aquarius:

Last December a woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma made creative use of a Wal-Mart. She gathered various ingredients from around the shelves, including lighter fluid, lithium, and drain cleaner, and set up a meth lab right there in the back of the store. She's your role model for the coming week, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL! I lied, kind of. The woman I mentioned got arrested for illegal activity, which I don't advise you to do. But I do hope you will ascend to her levels of ingenuity and audacity as you gather all the resources you need for a novel experiment.

Pisces:

A Filipino man named Herbert Chavez has had extensive plastic surgery done to make himself resemble Superman. Consider making him your role model, Pisces. I hope he inspires you to begin your own quest to rework your body and soul in the image of your favorite celebrity or cartoon hero. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you'd be wise to avoid comparing yourself to anyone else or remolding yourself to be like anyone else. The best use of the current cosmic tendencies would be to brainstorm about what exactly your highest potentials are, and swear a blood oath to become that riper version of yourself.

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Cougar Lesbians of Los Angeles

Posted Wed, Feb 22 2012 - 9:15 pm by dykeAdmin

A hilarious fictional "reality show" about cougar lesbians in Los Angeles from The Second City Network.

Starring The Second City Alumni Megan Grano, Molly Erdman & Celeste Pechous.

The Second City New Media
Directo/Producer: Joshua Funk
Producer/DP: Mark Kienlen
Crew: Kemi Azeez, Tyler Alexander, Kyle Herman & Vera Tumanova

If you like this, check out our hit series, Sassy Gay Friend! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnvgq8STMGM

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"You're gonna be okay..." - Ellen Degeneres

Posted Sun, May 31 2009 - 10:36 pm by dykeAdmin

Ellen DeGeneres' Tulane University Commencement Speech 5/16/09

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Tuna Talk (aka Ask AJ Anything)

Posted Wed, Feb 22 2012 - 11:14 pm by dykeAdmin

Tuna Talk is a series of YouTube videos by AJ, who is also a member of The Beaver Bunch.

Need gay advice (or if you're straight I'll try my best)?? Send your queries about anything dating, sex, relationships, the meaning of life, whatever, to me and I'll spend about 4.27 seconds formulating a response. But we're talking QUALITY advice here. None of that Ann Landers shit.

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The Beaver Bunch

Posted Wed, Feb 22 2012 - 11:07 pm by dykeAdmin

Welcome to The Beaver Bunch - where five very different LGBTQ members have come together to break stereotypes, discuss the world at large, and answer your questions.

Want to suggest a topic? Have a question, concern or comment? Want to see if we'll do a themed week dressed up in something incredibly humiliating (chances are we won't, but it doesn't hurt to ask)?

Email us here - thebeaverbunch@gmail.com

Stuff our beaver box....
Beaver Bunch
C/O: (your beavers name here or 'everyone')
250 Alamitos Ave
PMB #130
Long Beach CA 90802

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Dykes To Watch Out For

Posted Wed, Feb 22 2012 - 3:59 pm by dykeAdmin

Alison Bechdel began keeping a journal at the age of ten, and has been assiduously archiving her own life and times with words and pictures ever since. For twenty-five years she wrote and drew the comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For, a generational chronicle considered “one of the preeminent oeuvres in the comics genre, period.” (Ms.)

She is also the author of the best-selling Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, which won an Eisner Award and was a National Book Critics Circle Award Finalist. Time Magazine named Fun Home the number one Best Book of 2006, calling the memoir about her father, “A masterpiece about two people who live in the same house but different worlds, and their mysterious debts to each other.”

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Judy Carter Quote

Posted Wed, Feb 17 2010 - 10:03 pm by dykeAdmin

"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. I had a great time with...THEM. Great! Now they don't think you're queer ~ just a big slut!"

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Roseanne Quote

Posted Wed, Feb 17 2010 - 10:03 pm by dykeAdmin

"They say that lesbians hate men. Why would a lesbian hate a man? They don't have to fuck them!"

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Kate Clinton Quote

Posted Wed, Feb 17 2010 - 10:00 pm by dykeAdmin

"I want to host a religious show. I'm sure nobody will be wanting the 11 o'clock spot on Sunday morning. I think we should really get some of our own preachers and preach that gay is good. And we'd have a great choir."

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